Breaking the Cycle

I was thinking about why I rarely write anymore.  Why I don't make scale models the way I used to - with care and attention.  Why, when I cook a meal, I do it half-hearted these days.  What's changed?

I was astounded to look at this blog a while ago and realise I'd not written a single word in over a year! My first thought was to blame the pandemic.  Being cooped up indoors mostly, the days all blurring into one.  Constantly looking ahead to when things will be better.  But that wasn't to blame.  If anything, lockdown afforded me more time to write, more time to make models, more time to reflect on the changes happening around me.

No, what I had was complacency.  My mind had become lazy.  Watching TV every evening, drinking alcohol most evenings, rarely going out for exercise/no exercise.  Slowly descending into a slump I didn't even see happening.  I was waiting for things to improve, for the sun to come out, for lockdown restrictions to ease, for the shops to open.  Always waiting.

This morning, having written my previous post on COVID in a bit of a drunken blur the other night, I realised I needed to stop waiting for something to happen that would change things for me.

I had to act.  Now.

Left to it's own devices, things would continue as they are indefinitely.  The sun would come out (has done countless times already) but that won't get me out of the house walking the dog, because when the sun did come out, I'd find some other excuse not to go out.  Restrictions have eased, but I've still not contacted my friends about popping around for coffee.  I feel comfortable in my slump.  It's become familiar, like hiding under the duvet.  The New Normal.  (I really hate that phrase!)

Today, I decided I'm going to be the change I'm waiting for. (ooh, almost a cliché)
I'm going to break the cycle of Get Up, Eat, Work, Eat, TV, Drink, Sleep, Repeat.  I'm not going to let the blurring continue.  

I'm going to make a conscious effort to be aware of my passing moments, To think about what is happening in this day and be grateful for it; and I think the emphasis needs to be on the word conscious.  To be aware that I'm mentally lazy and complacent and do something about it - because every day I allow to blur into another, is a day I've wasted.  

Well, that's my plan, so let's see how I get on.  If my next post on this blog is in a year's time you'll know I've not kept to it!

Why is it so hard to change my lifestyle?

15 years ago I gave up smoking overnight – just decided that now was the right time for me, and I went cold turkey.  I knew it was bad for me, and my new girlfriend didn’t like it, so I stubbed out my last cigarette and haven’t looked back since.

But now I want to cut down on alcohol use, yet the little voice in my head still whispers about having a glass of wine, and I cannot walk past the bottle of scotch without a sideways glance!  When I do then have a drink, I find it hard to limit the consumption to a sensible amount – a glass or two becomes three or four, then a shot or two to follow.  I wake next morning feeling rough, vowing to myself “never again” but that is soon forgotten.  I never learn.

I know I need to cut down on eating salty food, and fatty food, and processed food, but the lure of the Chinese takeaway is too great.  Or another packet of crisps!  At the moment I’m eating those pasta-in-a-mug type packets, which are laden with salt, sugar, and other stuff that’s not good for me – but I choose the less than 3% fat ones to fool myself into thinking I’m opting for the healthier choice. 

I love cooking and preparing food – I can quite happily prepare a delicious salad with something like fishcakes to accompany it – but if there’s the slightest hint that I could have some junk food, I’ll gladly put off the healthier food choice in favour of the fast food fix.  I seem to be addicted to fatty, salty foods!

Then there’s the whole exercise thing.  I know I need to stay fit in order to get the most out of life.  I don’t much care for swimming, I find it quite boring.  I like cycling though, but despite thinking “I fancy a bike ride” I never get the bike out! I own a dozen fitness dvd’s and a wii fit, a Reebok step, a skipping rope, dumbells – none of them get used!  Why am I so lazy?  I know deep down that any effort I make today will reap rewards several times over tomorrow, and that once I get into the exercise routine, the addictive quality of the endorphins will keep me going – so why is it so hard to start?

I know these small, simple lifestyle changes are easy to make.  I know the change will be for the best, and that if I gave myself a chance, I would enjoy the changes.  My quality of life will be greatly improved, my health and vitality will be better.  My sleep will improve, my energy will increase, my attention will not so easily be distracted.  I will look and feel better.  I will be happier.

So why can’t I just get started?  Why is my will so weak?  I’ve even tried small steps – “just make one small change today!”  Er…no.  Grab some crisps and watch TV instead.  OK, great idea!  Is it laziness or lack of motivation?  Do I not care that I’m restricting myself to a life of being overweight and lethargic?  It just doesn’t make sense!