Empty Nest

 A little while ago my wife and I dropped our daughter off at University for the start of her 3 year course.  Her Uni is some 300 miles away - 6 hours in the car (with rest breaks).

We unloaded her possessions from our cars and hoped to help her unpack and get settled - but she didn't want our help, or much of our company - as she had already made friends with some of the other students on her course and wanted to spend time with them.

So my wife and I felt unwanted, surplus to requirements, and a bit rejected.  We tried to hang on, see our daughter a bit more before we had to leave her there and travel home - but that just didn't seem to work.  And so we drove home after a tearful farewell - with promises to call every day.

The first thing to hit was the absence of her car on the drive.  Then seeing the few things she left behind in her now vacant room.  And every where we looked there was a reminder that she's not here anymore, and most likely will never live with us again.

Oh I'm sure she'll visit - Christmas maybe - but her life is up there now, and her degree is based around work placement at her favourite theme park and so she'll probably be working there in the holidays too.

The pain we feel is akin to grief.  A subtle form of mourning is going on, with us afraid sometimes to speak about her for fear of the tears welling up again, and the chest feeling tight with emotion.

Everyone says that it's good that she's so settled already, that she's independent and confident enough to be there on her own, that we should be proud of the daughter we raised that's capable of looking after herself.  And we know all that - but it still hurts!

It's only been a few days, and her course hasn't started yet so she's not busy with her studies - but even though she has time on her hands, we barely get any communication from her.  God knows how sparse it'll be once she gets coursework and placements to do!

I miss her like mad.  I never knew it would hurt this much.  And it feels like I'll never see her again.  But when I do - is it going to hurt like this all over again?  

UPDATE:
It's now a week on from writing the post and I have to say things are much better now.  We still miss her like crazy - but it's no longer heartbreakingly painful.  That feeling of never seeing her again has subsided too.  We know she's ok, and we know she's happy.  My wife and I have started making plans what we might fill our time with, getting out more - and we're eating the evening meals we stopped preparing because our daughter didn't like them.

Peace and Tranquility

 Since my last post I have been mostly hibernating!
This last Winter was wild, wet and windy down here in Cornwall, and I've found myself hiding indoors a lot.  I love to listen to the wind howling around the house, and the rain lashing against the windows while I'm all snuggled up warm and safe inside.

I love Winter, but this last one has had an unusual effect on my psyche - I've succumbed to the constant rain and storms, and I've looked forward to the Spring - which I have to say felt like a long time getting here.  

I spent a lot of my time indoors writing my journal and reading about a simpler life of less consumerism and more grow-your-own.  And also reflecting on how little socialising we did last year - too few barbecues with friends and family, hardly any firepit gatherings.  And so we resolved to change that this year.

It's now almost the end of May, and just over half way through Spring - and already we have had a few social gatherings, barbecues and at least two firepits to sit around.  The sun shines longer into the afternoon and evening which seems to fill the soul with warmth, love and hope for better times.

We've planted tomatoes and peas, kale and courgettes (not loads, but enough for us) and for once our pear tree looks like it might bear fruit.  (Our apple tree did OK last year, but we didn't eat a single one!)

This year I'm hoping to brew some mead, and see if the homebrew red wine kit I was given a couple of years ago will still produce something drinkable.

Our solar panels and battery banks are already saving us money, we are actively reducing the amount of water we use, and are well on top of the home maintenance jobs that keep our home clean, tidy and in good repair.

All in all we are healthy and happy, and with that comes a sense of peace, tranquility and wellbeing.

It hasn't taken much to achieve this - a shift in perspective, a realisation of what's important and what's just mental clutter.  Prioritising our needs to encompass the outdoors into the equation so we have fresh air, sunlight, and birdsong to lift our spirits.

I think this year is going to feel far more alive than last year, and for that I am extremely grateful!

Designed to Fail - Why I hate built in redundancy

 I can't say for sure when this all started.  I have periodically upgraded my PC, bought more RAM, moved to a laptop, traded it for one with a bigger screen, a better CPU.  My old mobile phone (Nokia) broke so I bought a new one with a better camera - and so on.  All natural progressions.

I now own a HP laptop. Intel Core i3.  I own a Samsung J5 mobile.  They both do what I need - I'm quite happy with my old tech.

But the other day I was going through my box of stuff and I found my old FitBit - I charged it and Lo!  It works!  I go to install the FitBit app on my 'phone - nope, not available any more.  I try to install it on my laptop - nope, sorry, not supported.  So the FitBit is pretty useless then.

Oh, and the laptop is not Windows 11 compatible either! 

So, I went to log into my Costa coffee app on my 'phone this morning and I'm told I need a newer version but my 'phone software might need an upgrade, and sure enough, the app isn't available any more in PlayStore!

So slowly but surely I am being forced to discard these expensive (at the time) items to buy new stuff.  My new laptop will not have an optical drive.  My new mobile 'phone will be bulkier, so I'll need a new case for it, and larger screen protectors.

Now if as implied, the old stuff is obsolete, there's not going to be much to reuse or recycle, so it'll probably end up in some landfill.  

And the worst thing is - give it a couple of years and I suspect I'll have to do it all over again.

Once upon a time we had things that were built to last - and when they broke, a skilled artisan or an engineer repaired them.  These days, your toaster breaks, you buy a new one online and it's delivered the next day in a massive cardboard box filled with crumpled up brown paper. But to dispose of the old one you have to take it to the recycling centre (once called "the dump"), and that's likely to cost you in fuel or bus fare, and that just adds more pollution.

It's all a ridiculous waste of resources and it saddens and angers me.

Addicted to media

I'm not!
Tweets... im not addicted to media!
Puts phone down
Hmmm was that a notificatoon?
Checks phone. Sad face emoji... nope.
Checks Facebook
Checks Insta...
Hmmm, WhatsApp?

Puts phone down. Un pause TV.
Ping.

Ooh...
Picks up phone.
Ugh, spam mail!
I'll just check Twitter while I'm here...
FB
Insta
What?

Unpause TV...
Eh?
Sorry hon, did you say something?
No I was listening, I just... the TV was too loud.
Honestly, what did you just say?

Ping.
Ooh...

No! I just got an email from work hon. Might be important!
Yes, I know it's  ten to ten at night. That's why I've got to check it!
(Grrr... not a retweet or a like.)

Puts phone down.
Unpause TV
Feels chill in the air...
Looks at wife who looks like Medusa right now.
What?
What???

Apparently the coroner ruled it accidentally death due to self neglect.

Tell Us The Truth!

 About 2 years ago we were just getting the first reports that something was amiss in Wuhan.  Later intelligence "revealed" covid could already have been in Italy Dec 2019! (Tests on sewer matter),

 We are still dealing with it now. Thousands of daily cases in the UK alone, hundreds or thousands of deaths daily Worldwide.  More lockdowns (in Europe - Austria, Netherlands) as a Fourth Spike is announced.  We are still vaccinating, and boosters for those 6 months after their 2nd jabs.

Legislation in the UK to "force" front line NHS and Care Workers to vaccinate or face being fired.

Most supermarkets are still recommending wearing masks indoors.  I know I wear my mask if I shop, and I hand sanitise everywhere I go.  It makes sense to me.  Prevention is better than cure, right?

I wonder where we'll be next year?

Then there's climate change.  We've just concluded the COP26 talks in Glasgow.  From what I read in the news it's a positive step forward... but I watched The Day After Tomorrow on TV yesterday - filmed in 2004, and 17 years on we've not heeded that warning one little bit!

I'm a bit rusty on my Nostradamus, but I'm fairly sure he "predicted" the end of the world would come from the Middle East (or at least that's what his "interpreters" chose to suggest).  What if our demise wasn't from war (or terrorism) which is what we immediately assume, but from our dependence on oil? 

A friend of mine is very religious and recently posted some threads about this being Biblical, Revelations type scenarios.  One of his posts on FB had an "independent fact-check" reply/overlay on it refuting his info, and that lead me to wonder about who we can really trust - because his original post about covid data integrity seemed to come from a valid source - the URL looked legit, but the refute seemed to come from the same source!

We really don't know who to trust - our politicians spin one way, our religious leaders another.  Covid, Brexit, Climate Change - how do we know what we're being told is the truth?  We don't!

If we "fact check", how do we know what we're reading is the truth or a counter-lie?

We live in uncertain times - as a Nation, the UK is going through a lot - and what we really need right now is someone to trust - someone that will tell us the honest truth - no matter how harsh, so that we can face it head on and deal with it.

Breaking the Cycle

I was thinking about why I rarely write anymore.  Why I don't make scale models the way I used to - with care and attention.  Why, when I cook a meal, I do it half-hearted these days.  What's changed?

I was astounded to look at this blog a while ago and realise I'd not written a single word in over a year! My first thought was to blame the pandemic.  Being cooped up indoors mostly, the days all blurring into one.  Constantly looking ahead to when things will be better.  But that wasn't to blame.  If anything, lockdown afforded me more time to write, more time to make models, more time to reflect on the changes happening around me.

No, what I had was complacency.  My mind had become lazy.  Watching TV every evening, drinking alcohol most evenings, rarely going out for exercise/no exercise.  Slowly descending into a slump I didn't even see happening.  I was waiting for things to improve, for the sun to come out, for lockdown restrictions to ease, for the shops to open.  Always waiting.

This morning, having written my previous post on COVID in a bit of a drunken blur the other night, I realised I needed to stop waiting for something to happen that would change things for me.

I had to act.  Now.

Left to it's own devices, things would continue as they are indefinitely.  The sun would come out (has done countless times already) but that won't get me out of the house walking the dog, because when the sun did come out, I'd find some other excuse not to go out.  Restrictions have eased, but I've still not contacted my friends about popping around for coffee.  I feel comfortable in my slump.  It's become familiar, like hiding under the duvet.  The New Normal.  (I really hate that phrase!)

Today, I decided I'm going to be the change I'm waiting for. (ooh, almost a cliché)
I'm going to break the cycle of Get Up, Eat, Work, Eat, TV, Drink, Sleep, Repeat.  I'm not going to let the blurring continue.  

I'm going to make a conscious effort to be aware of my passing moments, To think about what is happening in this day and be grateful for it; and I think the emphasis needs to be on the word conscious.  To be aware that I'm mentally lazy and complacent and do something about it - because every day I allow to blur into another, is a day I've wasted.  

Well, that's my plan, so let's see how I get on.  If my next post on this blog is in a year's time you'll know I've not kept to it!

COVID - May 2021

 May 2021
Great Britain - Cornwall

We have entered the third phase of our lockdown easing of restrictions just a few days ago.  We can now meet up to 6 people from two households indoors, eat in, go to the cinema.  The end is in sight.

Instead of hundreds, thousands dying daily, we have less than 20.  We might be at the end of that tunnel at long last.

For 14 months we have been a World gripped by a virus - one that not only kills, but disables and destroys - via long-term after effects. via fear, by dividing nations. Rich vs Poor, Black vs White.  But the virus doesn't care who it infects.  I'm not here to discuss social injustice - this isn't a soapbox - it's just a page to write upon.

Over a year of not eating out and feeling safe.  Not going to the cinema.  No holidays abroad.
Wearing masks in shops.  Hand sanitiser.  Washing hands more than usual.
Walking into the road to pass someone on the pavement.  Not shaking hands or hugging.
Working from home.

I am a non-sociable person.  I don't get out much - so for me a year of lockdown is a year of not having to make excuses why I can't go to the work's night out.  But even I have found that it has affected me in ways I find disturbing.  If friends come by to say Hi now, I still keep my distance.  The thought of having someone in my home is scary.  I want to wipe everything that might be contaminated with anti-bacterial wipes.

This isn't going away any time soon!

When we talk about holidays - the thought of going abroad, getting on a crowded plane with self-contained air is like asking me to lick a petri dish pulled out of a CDC incubator.  Why?  Not only do I not want to catch this virus, but I wouldn't want to spread it either.  

Watching TV series now, like NCIS and Station 19 and Grays Anatomy - all filmed during COVID, with them all wearing masks and social distancing - we'll re-watch these in years to come and say "Oh yeah, that was the pandemic" - and we'll forget that we had a year of isolation and fear, buying everything online and not going out unless we had to. Of people all over the world dying in the thousands every day.

I am humbled by how well we've coped with this.  How well we have adapted and how hard we have worked to keep it under control, and how hard we have worked to keep things going in the face of this world-wide life-threatening virus.  I am proud of the people that have striven to protect us, treat us when we're ill, develop a vaccine, secure jobs, keep industry going, keep the economy afloat, maintain our way of life as best they can.

I want to say Thank You - to every single person out there that did something - no matter how small, to keep us going, that kept us safe, throughout this bleakest of bleak, harsh, devastating years.

Thank You!