Truth, Justice and the [insert country name] Way!

I have always been a bit proud to be British.  I'm not saying Britain is better than anyone else, that other countries are in any way inferior.  I'm just saying I'm a bit proud to be British.

I think we are a very tolerant nation, on the whole, and I like that. I think we tend to accept people for who they are, and as long as you're happy to live with our quirks and foibles, we'll live with yours.

Our islands have been invaded often - sometimes from abroad - the French, the Vikings, the Romans to name a few - and we've done a bit of invading ourselves - which is how we became the UK in the first place!

The United Kingdom of Great Britain.  I do like that name!

To me, Britain (to use it's short name) is Great because it's people are made up of many cultures and creeds, many beliefs that co-operate and co-exist in relative harmony.  We accept new ideas, we offer equal opportunities to all.  We look after each other - and in times of crisis we work together for the common good.  We have friends all around the World, and I have always felt that the rest of the World see us as an honest nation - hard working and just. 

I might be wrong though.  I don't know how the rest of the World sees us now.  I went to see a comedian recently who joked that the World views Britain as a bit of a joke - and I'm afraid to say Brexit has done a lot to destroy our credibility - our desire to leave the EU has been plagued from the start, and our attempts to break free are laughable on occasion.  I don't think the EU want us to go and are making things difficult for us - I think they hope we'll change our mind.

I'd like to think it's because they value us as a member state, but I think they just want to keep the money we contribute - and to be fair, I think that's why we need to leave.  If you have a relationship with someone that only wants what you can give to them, and doesn't care about your opinions, or what you want - would you stay?

So, are we a joke?
I don't know.  But despite it all - I'm still proud to be British!

Joke

A dog walks into  a butcher's shop holding a small wicker basket in his mouth.  He puts the basket on the floor and takes out a small piece of paper - on it is a list, 2 pork sausages, half a pork pie, one small lamb chop

The butcher takes the list, put the items into the basket.  The dog takes a small purse from the basket and sets it before the butcher, who opens it.  Inside is a £5.  The butcher gives the dog 60p change.  The dog puts the purse in the basket and off he goes.

Next day the dog comes in again, and the same thing happens.

The day after, the dog comes in again - but this time as the dog leaves with his laden basket, the butcher follows him.  The dog walks off down the street and gets to a busy main road.  He sets the basket down and pushes the pedestrian crossing button.

When the lights turn red he picks up the basket and crosses the road safely.

A few streets later he approaches a house, puts down the basket and standing up on his back legs, pushes his nose against the door bell.

An old man opens the door, sees the dog and starts to berate him.  "Stupid dog!"

The butcher runs up to the man and shouts "Stupid?  Are you kidding??  That's the most amazing dog I have ever seen!"

"Nah, if he was that amazing, he wouldn't keep forgetting his door keys"!

Humour

What is humour?  What makes a joke funny?  Why is something funny to one person and not to another?

I don’t know.  I was hoping you’d tell me!

Now some people would have laughed at that.   And some people would have laughed at that too!

I went to see Eddy Izzard live at Shaftesbury Theatre a good few years ago now, and he used a similar technique to get a laugh which relied on a form of self-belittling, self-deprecation, admission of ignorance.  On this occasion the joke was a little off-beat, a little too “out there”, and so he followed it with an observation: “Note to self, remove unfunny comment”, and of course, the audience laughed, so he followed it with. “Note to self, maybe not.” And he got another laugh.

One comedian took this to a higher level by saying he could probably kill someone by timing his jokes in such a way that the audience wouldn’t have time to breathe in in-between laughs.  The audience laughed, and just as the laughter began to taper off, he said “Like this!”, and they started laughing again.  He waited, one finger raised, in silence, until the laughter started to wane.  His facial expression perked up, he raised his finger higher, and said “And this”, and the laughter started all over again. 

This proved to me that humour doesn’t have to be rude or threatening, racist or sexist.  Gone are the days of Mother-in-Law jokes or Irishman, Englishman, Scotsman jokes.  We’ve been told during the 80’s and 90’s that these subjects are taboo – the Political Correctness ideal has made laughing at someone’s gender or religious leanings a no-no, and those that do laugh either feel guilty about it, or revel in their prejudices. 

To me, the funniest humour is that Eddy Izzard/ Billy Connolly type self-observation, anecdotal, slightly humble delivery.  I can relate to it, I understand exactly how they felt.  Any uncomfortableness I feel is sympathetic, empathic – and so I can see the funny side of their experience because they’re laughing about it too.  I don’t poke fun at other people, I poke fun at myself.

For example:  In response to my question about whether a friend had anything planned for the weekend…

Julie : 10:00
Long weekend Monday off with Neil, Pub lunch 

You?

Colin: 10:01

No thanks, I'd just get in the way

Julie : 10:02

Ha that’s funny

And that brings me on to the art of the one liner, or the quick-thinking quip.

I was working in London many years ago, and was enjoying a cigarette break when a colleague stops by my table and asked if he could have a light.  I’ve not smoked for 17 years now, so I’m not sure if they’re still available now, but back then I had a thing for those little, brightly coloured Bic ones, so I passed it over to him.  “Oh, I have a jumper at home this colour!  Or is this a little lighter?”

I think I snorted coffee down my nose.  It also received several groans – which I think is an acknowledgement of funny in some cultures.  (At least I hope so, because most of my best jokes get that response).

Humour seems to be about being in the right place at the right time, and saying the right thing in the right context .  I can’t count how many times I’ve come back from a gig or the Comedy Club and faithfully replayed a set, and all I get back is a blank stare, or a half-hearted chuckle where it should have been 15 minutes of uncontrollable belly laughs.  Humour is objective and subjective, a complex weave of storytelling, dramaticism, timing and expression.  Change a single aspect of it and it’s no longer funny.

Jasper Carrot sums it up nicely with this anecdote.  “What do you put on your passport under occupation when you’re in the stand-up business?  Comedian?  I was stopped at the Security Line at Heathrow, the Customs Officer inspected my  passport, looked at me suspiciously  and said “Tell us a joke then!” “

It was much funnier when he told it.

Am I a Geek, a Nerd, or just having a Mid Life Crisis?

This is me laughing at myself...
I'm not really laughing.  I'm wondering whether I'm riding the wave of social media-blogging-pinteresting stumbling, tumbling youtubing infomedia - as a 51 year old overweight male, enjoying a freedom of information, trawling the 'net in an awesome horizon broadening knowledge download.  Or am I just going through a midlife crisis?

I was born in the 60's - and if I wanted to send my cousin in the USA a picture of me on holiday I whipped out the Kodak, reeled off 24 or 36 pictures - the quality of which would only be revealed by my local Boots chemist after I'd jetted back from wherever (never to return).  The photograph would be accompanied by a handwritten letter on the thinnest of thin paper, slid carefully into a thinner blue envelope and posted Par Avion, to arrive a few weeks later (if at all).

But now, I can snap the moment on my smartphone, and if I don't like it I can snap it again, and I can edit the picture, and I can email or SMS is to anyone in the World close to instantaneously - or I can upload to my social media site and tag to my hearts content.  I can check in, and hey, in a years time I will be reminded of where I was, who I was with and what my political leanings were.  I might even have a picture of what I had for dinner!

Once upon a time, if I needed to find out how to strip down a lawnmower I would either ask my granddad, find a friendly lawnmower repair shop tucked down some alley way off the High Street, or I'd go to my local library and look in the reference section.  No longer do I have that inconvenience!  Just as well, because granddads are a dying breed now - soon to be replaced by "why don't you Google it?"  The little shop has closed down because people will now throw away the defective mower and buy a new one, and I am amazed we still have libraries!

I have embraced this new technology with open arms.  I love my laptop/tablet/smartphone.  I play Scrabble on my smartphone.  On my own.
If I thought I was antisocial before the advent of this technology, Lord only knows what I am now!

When I was a kid, if you wanted a moving image in a notebook you drew little stick figures in the bottom corner on every page, making each one a little different, and flicked through them to form a flick-book.  Now, my daughter asks if she can do her homework in PowerPoint so she can animate it!

My worry is am I a geek, a nerd or just a sad middle aged man trying to be cool?

The upside of this however is things like this blog.  I'm just writing my thoughts down, some random chatter that's meant to be funny.  If I wanted to do this years ago I'd have to have a job with a newspaper or a magazine - publishing my byline fortnightly.  I would need to have studied, qualified, acquired references, developed a portfolio, networked at parties (ugh! sorry, there's my antisocial side showing again) and made connections - but now I just ramble on here and if I'm lucky, people will read it.

The downside though is, the internet is full of this stuff.  That journalist went through all that malarkey for a reason - to weed out the dross, so that articles were only written by accomplished writers, who checked their facts, who researched their subject, who were accountable for their plagiarism, slander and such.  The veracity of some of what you see on the internet cannot be guaranteed, and posts on social media get shared and liked and bandied about without anyone checking if what they're publishing is true or not.

I like this new world that I'm a part of, where so much of what you want or need is at your fingertips. It's what I dreamed about in the 70's - being a part of the world, and not just a part of my street.  If I wanted broader horizons I certainly got them!

Sarcasm and Irony

We all despise sarcasm. Well, OK, maybe not all of us. And maybe despise is a strong word.
Most of us don't like sarcasm. But children do not understand sarcasm or irony in conversation. They take what you say at face value. So, to protect them from misinterpreting a sarcastic comment as the literal truth, we have to educate them in the ways of sarcasm. Otherwise they're going to be in big trouble when they get older. And yet none of us like to be on the receiving end of sarcasm.

I watched the Invention of Lying on the plane the other day - I had no headphones - too tight to buy some, so I tried to lip-read it. Only partially successful - but I think I got the gist.

But that led me to think about lying, and sarcasm - which is lying but in a heavily accented form designed to make you aware that the person is lying. So if it's that obvious - why do we do it? Why use sarcasm at all? I use sarcasm when someone asks me what, to me, is a stupid question. You walk in, soaking wet, and they say "Oh, is it raining?" "Nooo, my shower at home only runs cold so I wore my clothes to keep warm."

No, it's not funny. We want sarcasm to be funny - but usually it's just irritating.

So, I'm starting a campaign to stop sarcasm. Wouldn't that be ironic?