One man's disaster is another man's adventure.

In June of last year we woke one morning to a patch of water on the kitchen floor.  Not very big, it just looked like a small spill so I mopped it up.  But later there was a lot more, and after some investigation, we discovered a slow dripping leak from the on/off valve, which our friend (who is a plumber) fixed for us.

So the laminate flooring in the kitchen started to buckle up - water had got underneath, so with the house insurance's blessing we lifted the floor to assess and let it dry.

Which led to us discovering it had also tracked under the dining room laminate.  Which flows seamlessly into the lounge - meaning it all needed to be replaced - annoyingly as it was only a couple of years old.

So when we lifted the laminate in the dining room to let the floor dry, we discovered bitumen that had once held down asbestos tiles (long since removed) but the insurance company were not happy.  They said it could still contain asbestos and so we had to move out until it could be remediated.

So we stayed in a nearby holiday let we were able to book last minute for a week or so.  Then another.  Then a trip up country to visit our daughter at Uni.  And then another.

Whilst the places we stayed in were lovely, the owners friendly and engaging, the scenery beautiful - the experiences were marred by the worry of getting our home fixed and habitable again.  You can only live out of a suitcase for so long before it does things to your state of mind - and we longed to get back home again - also because my wife and I both work from home.  So when the asbestos remediation team turned up and cleared it out, we were able to inhabit one half of our home.

Our flooring guy then came and screeded the entire surface from lounge to kitchen ready to lay new flooring - but another team - sent by the insurance company to assess the wetness of the environment told us we shouldn't have had the screeding done before they had a chance to see if there was any moisture still in the slad - and so they set up huge dehumidifiers and industrial fans for what felt like forever.  They are very noisy.  Very.  And they're on 24/7.

We were living out of two bedrooms, eating off our laps, watching TV on a laptop.  It felt like being in prison, and June had turned to July, into August.  

Eventually the place was deemed dry, and the noisy apparatus removed.  And then the lounge and dining room floor was re-laid, and our furniture was back from storage, and life got a little bit better - but the kitchen flooring was still on order so that wasn't done yet.

Also, we had to get some decorators in to repair the water damage to the plaster and the skirtings and so while they were in we had some other work done too - at our own expense - to make it all look a bit nicer.  And September became October, and then November.  And then the floor was done.

6 months.  A mixture of fear and anxiety, frustration and annoyance, pleasure and peace, noise and mess, upheaval and upset, tears and laughter.  At the time it was a major disaster.  Now, looking back - I can barely remember what all the fuss was about.  Incredible how we can adapt to our circumstances.  How we can forget suffering once it's behind us.  I consider us very fortunate, despite all that happened.  I feel blessed.  Damaged and contaminated items have been replaced and our home is better for it.

We had work done in other areas of our home (again at our own expense) that made sense whilst rooms were empty, and everything now feels fresh and revitalised, and we are very happy with it all.  And none of it would have happened without that initial drip, drip, drip.

An Unlikely Meeting of Souls.

So, there I was, chatting to my friend in the States on Facebook. Unremarkable in itself I suppose?
I first met my friend in a virtual farmer's market, looking for work.  I cannot remember now whether I hired her first or she hired me, but whatever happened, we said Hi, like you do, and swapped polite pleasantries.

We each rehired the other on an almost daily basis, and from there became "friends" on Facebook.
I know more about this new friend whom I have never met than some of my "real" friends.  We keep in touch, and I like that we've met through these odd circumstances.

I have another friend in the States that I met exactly the same way.

Once upon a time we would have met on a cruise, or a holiday somewhere.  Rarely do these holiday friendships last though.  You are forced together by your circumstances, often you share a dining table, or a spot at the beach.  But this Facebook game was somehow very different.  To this day, Debbie and I have never met, and never physically spoken to each other.  Nor have Aprille and I - and yet our friendships have endured despite this limitation!

Friendship is an amazing thing.  I have worked with people for years, but would not count them as my friends. I have known some of my "friends" for years, but know next to nothing about them, and always forget their birthdays.  There are some people I would go out of my way to help and support, but they are not my friends.  There are people that I thought were my friends, but obviously they are not. (See blog entry Friendship? That Ship Has Sailed)

So, how can total strangers meet in a virtual farm on a social network site, and in less that 10 minutes, decide they want to meet up again?  How can they then form a friendship that lasts years with only occasional, sporadic contact?  What is it about the way our minds work that allow us to make such amazing judgements in such a short time?  When I ask Debbie why she re-hired me that day, she said "Because you were a gentleman".  Something about our first meeting impressed her enough to chance another.

So, be careful what first impression you make - whether it is at a party, in a crisis, or at an interview.  That first impression will count.  And a lot of people out there think "oh well, if I fluff my first impression, I can always redeem my reputation next time!" Sadly, if you fluff your first impression, you'll be lucky if there is a next time!

So I'm grateful that my first impression with Debbie and Aprille meant there was a second!
Our lives are bound together by these amazing, complicated connections - these unlikely meetings of souls!

Trouble

When I woke up today the World seemed an OK place.
The sun was shining, my heart was still beating, I could hear my wife and daughter chattering away happily.
Not long later, a small touch of rot set in.  A comment taken the wrong way, a dig, a look - and suddenly wife and I were discussing splitting up. Who would move out? Who do we tell? Do we care??

It seemed so very real.  We have been irritating each other so much lately.  Every little thing grating on our nerves. So many things said taken the wrong way. Wondering daily why we were sticking at this.  Obviously unhappy.  Today seemed to be the last straw - and yet it wasn't anything major.  Neither of us have been unfaithful. We are not violent or abusive, controlling or anything like that.

We are under some strain.  Some ill health. Some work pressures. Financial pressure. This and that.  But we work well as a team. We share responsibility, take it in turns with the chores, support each other, do stuff together.  We work well together and usually communicate well.  Only a week or so before we'd been off all week together - decorating and doing jobs about the house. 9 whole days without a break from the myriad of jobs - some quite labour-intensive, yet we got on perfectly well.  Not a bad word.  So what changed?

My wife hit the nail on the head today as we discussed our issues.

We lack focus.

We have no particular goals.  When decorating we had a common aim.  A reason to work together, a plan, strategy, a direction to share.  But when you take that away from us you have two people just drifting along aimlessly.  We watch the same TV, eat the same food, but really we are just a teensy bit bored with it all.

And so, we have more time and energy to spare for petty bickering.

My wife and I have a pretty good relationship.  We are best friends, and we can communicate.  We are not afraid to speak up when something needs to be said.  We could have walked away from it - taken the easy way out, given up on almost 12 years of marriage, but in the end we did what we do best - we stuck at it and we talked it through.  It wasn't pleasant - admitting we were wrong, admitting we had taken each other for granted, admitting we'd let ourselves down, slipped into bad habits.

So - we are still together.  We have more talking to do.  We have to learn some new habits - get rid of a few old ones. We have to learn to be happy with each other again - but because we want to save it, we will save it.

Today we found out some people we know did the exact opposite today.

It put our predicament into perspective!

Friendship? The Ship that Sailed.

I was thinking about my friend Helen today.  Well, no. I was thinking about Helen, who I thought was my friend.  Who once upon a time may have been a friend.  She's not my friend now.
You may think we had some major argument, that she or I did something terrible to the other.  You'd be wrong - she just changed jobs.

When we worked together she would chat to me about how crap her life was, and I would offer her sympathy, a non-judging ear.  I'd tell her how great she was, I would bolster her confidence in herself and make her feel positive about her world.  I was a shoulder to cry on, and a solid dependable rock to lean on.  I really thought I made a difference in her life.  That the years we knew each other were good times.

Then she left her job to pursue another career.

She dropped me from her Facebook friends.  She ignored my emails and texts.
Fearing I'd done something terribly wrong to her without knowing I emailed and asked what it was?  What had I done that cut her off from me?

She replied.  Nothing.  She was just really busy.  Of course she'd add me back on Facebook. Of course we were still friends.

And that, I'm afraid to say, was the last I ever heard from Helen.

Friends come and friends go.  Each friendship brings something with it and takes something away.  They alter our lives, guide us on our way through life.  They hold our hand when we're scared, teach us when we need to learn, salve us when we're hurt.  Usually they're mutual, a symbiotic relationship.  Usually.

I have only learned one thing from knowing Helen.  She was no friend.

Friendship

One of the most important things we can ever have is a friend. My best friend also happens to be my wife, and my daughter is also my best friend - or so she tells me. But then her teddy bear is also her best friend, and so is next doors cat, and the boy on the swings at the park. Even with these flighty, fickle standards, I know I feature in there somewhere.

But apart from wife and daughter, I don't really have that many other friends. I have people I work with - I like them, they like me. We do stuff for each other, and go for a drink after work sometimes. But they're not real "friends". I would expect them to miss me a little when I die, but not to go to my funeral and remember me forever afterwards.

My wife tells me I should have more friends, get out more - but if I'm being honest, I have enough friends. I have my very best friend (wife), and my best mate from London (who I never keep in contact with), and some old work and polytechnic buddies I stay loosely in touch with via Facebook, and even a few from the US who I befriended via FB - but we're not inseperable. We don't have that deep bond that real friends have. But I'm OK with that - I like them just as they are.

I think my wife thinks that this lack of friends makes me lonely, but in actual fact, it doesn't. I am comfortable with myself, and am happy in my own company. I easily live up to my own expectations and rarely am boring or dull. I laugh at my jokes, know just what I'm thinking, and don't need to fill the silences. I fit myself like an old slipper.

Oh, and I don't forget my birthday!

Friendship, true, deep friendship, is a rare commodity - and when I find it I treasure it - but I'm a bit too insular, a bit too reserved. I used to think I was antisocial - but I'm not, because in a social situation I am outgoing and funny, warm and friendly, sincere and attentive and nice. No, I'm not anti social, i'm just not sociable. I do not seek friends, or friendship, for it's own sake.