Am I living my life on auto-pilot?

When I was a kid, all I could think of was all the cool things I'd get to do when I was a grown up.
I couldn't wait for the freedom to choose for myself!

When I left primary school and moved up into secondary school, all I could envisage was studying the sciences, history, mathematics - and emulate my heroes - Leonardo, Galileo, Copernicus, Kepler and Einstein - discover something new, exciting, World-wowing!

Off to polytechnic then with dreams greatness in academia - I'd get my degree in chemistry and physics, become a great home office pathologist like Dr keith Simpson, or Sir Bernard Spillsbury - and I'd solve the unsolvable, and bring the killer to justice.

But something around this point changed.  I failed my degree because I didn't put the effort in.  I'd lost my way.  I got a job making pizzas - and thought maybe I could join the police.  I applied about 5 times and failed each time - I started working as a civilian answering 999 calls, and began the lazy drift from one day to the next.  I no longer had any purpose.  I had under-achieved myself to mediocrity and that was where I was going to stay.  I put my life onto autopilot.

Ten years passed and I was exactly the same - no real prospects, no additional skills, nothing to look forward to, no purpose.  I bought a small one bedroom flat, and continued to drift.  Autopilot was doing just fine, thank you.

I had a blip though - made a decision and flipped autopilot off whilst I changed course.  I moved to Exeter and began working for Devon and Cornwall police taking 999 calls.  I got a promotion, extra responsibility, met a girl, got married.  Had a daughter, changed jobs and started working in IT for the NHS.

But I realise today, I've somehow snuck back onto autopilot again.  I don't ever remember flicking that switch, but it definitely got flicked!  I've been doing this job for about 13 years now, and I'm at the top of my pay scale and little or no prospects on a promotion.  My daughter is about to go into secondary school, my wife runs her own business - and I'm cruising from one day to the next with no real interaction with the present moment.  I wake up, get up, make tea, clean my teeth, get dressed - same routine every day.  I drive to work, but arrive there without really realising what happened during the 15 minute drive.  I log onto my PC, check emails, check calls, drink coffee, eat at my desk, until it's time to go home.

Another 15 minute autopilot drive home, get changed, sit on the couch, watch TV, make dinner, eat, watch TV, go to bed.  Life on autopilot!

If any of this rings a bell with you, if you see anything familiar in the routine, then, like me, you need to flick that switch and come off autopilot!  I have managed to get to 53 years old, and I can only account for half that time as being lived with meaning and purpose.

Too many of my days are lived in a haze, not paying anything very much attention, losing time, wasting time, achieving nothing - living like it doesn't matter that nothing got done yesterday or the day before because I was busy drifting along as if in a dream.  I'm acting like I have an infinite number of days at my disposal, so wasting half of them isn't a big deal - but you know what?  I don't have an magical supply of days that'll go on forever.  I need to wake up!  I need to pay more attention, and I need to make better use of my time.  So I'm going to rip out autopilot, and I'm getting Mindfulness installed instead.

Buddhist Lesson

This is one of my favourite Buddhist lessons. 

Two Buddhist monks are walking back to the temple one hot, dry day when they come across an old woman beside a raging river.  She is staring at the river, which is clearly barring her way, with a look of total frustration on her face.

The younger of the two monks offers the lady assistance, so she climbs up onto his back, arms about his neck, her small bag of possessions bumping painfully against the monk’s chest as he fought the current to get her across.

On the far back, the old woman climbs down and goes off on her way without saying a word of thanks or any acknowledgment of the monk’s kindness whatsoever.

The young monk remarks to the older one how rude it was of her, how bruised he was from the bag banging against him, how tired his legs were having carried that extra weight, how hot and thirsty the exertion had made him, and so on – all the way back to the temple.  As they get to the gates the older monk, who all this time had kept silent during his companion’s complaints, turned to him and asked, “Are you still carrying that old woman on your back?”

Joke

A dog walks into  a butcher's shop holding a small wicker basket in his mouth.  He puts the basket on the floor and takes out a small piece of paper - on it is a list, 2 pork sausages, half a pork pie, one small lamb chop

The butcher takes the list, put the items into the basket.  The dog takes a small purse from the basket and sets it before the butcher, who opens it.  Inside is a £5.  The butcher gives the dog 60p change.  The dog puts the purse in the basket and off he goes.

Next day the dog comes in again, and the same thing happens.

The day after, the dog comes in again - but this time as the dog leaves with his laden basket, the butcher follows him.  The dog walks off down the street and gets to a busy main road.  He sets the basket down and pushes the pedestrian crossing button.

When the lights turn red he picks up the basket and crosses the road safely.

A few streets later he approaches a house, puts down the basket and standing up on his back legs, pushes his nose against the door bell.

An old man opens the door, sees the dog and starts to berate him.  "Stupid dog!"

The butcher runs up to the man and shouts "Stupid?  Are you kidding??  That's the most amazing dog I have ever seen!"

"Nah, if he was that amazing, he wouldn't keep forgetting his door keys"!

Questions

What mood are you in?
Relaxed, Content

What are you listening to?
System 7 live in Kyoto October 2011

Where are you right now?
Cornwall, UK

What’s on your “must do today” list?
Post the last eBay parcel

What colour would you choose to describe yourself right now?
Orange

What were you thinking about before you started this?
Do I want a pasty for lunch?

What are you planning to do later?
No plans at the moment

What’s the weather like where you are now?
Dry, cloudy, slight breeze, some sun.

Do you have a blog or diary you want to share?
https://www.my-diary.org/edit/?action=viewentry&entryid=545504118

What is filling your mind today?
How do I generate more interest in my writing?

What do you like to do to keep fit and active?
Walk the dog.