When I was a kid, all I could think of was all the cool things I'd get to do when I was a grown up.
I couldn't wait for the freedom to choose for myself!
When I left primary school and moved up into secondary school, all I could envisage was studying the sciences, history, mathematics - and emulate my heroes - Leonardo, Galileo, Copernicus, Kepler and Einstein - discover something new, exciting, World-wowing!
Off to polytechnic then with dreams greatness in academia - I'd get my degree in chemistry and physics, become a great home office pathologist like Dr keith Simpson, or Sir Bernard Spillsbury - and I'd solve the unsolvable, and bring the killer to justice.
But something around this point changed. I failed my degree because I didn't put the effort in. I'd lost my way. I got a job making pizzas - and thought maybe I could join the police. I applied about 5 times and failed each time - I started working as a civilian answering 999 calls, and began the lazy drift from one day to the next. I no longer had any purpose. I had under-achieved myself to mediocrity and that was where I was going to stay. I put my life onto autopilot.
Ten years passed and I was exactly the same - no real prospects, no additional skills, nothing to look forward to, no purpose. I bought a small one bedroom flat, and continued to drift. Autopilot was doing just fine, thank you.
I had a blip though - made a decision and flipped autopilot off whilst I changed course. I moved to Exeter and began working for Devon and Cornwall police taking 999 calls. I got a promotion, extra responsibility, met a girl, got married. Had a daughter, changed jobs and started working in IT for the NHS.
But I realise today, I've somehow snuck back onto autopilot again. I don't ever remember flicking that switch, but it definitely got flicked! I've been doing this job for about 13 years now, and I'm at the top of my pay scale and little or no prospects on a promotion. My daughter is about to go into secondary school, my wife runs her own business - and I'm cruising from one day to the next with no real interaction with the present moment. I wake up, get up, make tea, clean my teeth, get dressed - same routine every day. I drive to work, but arrive there without really realising what happened during the 15 minute drive. I log onto my PC, check emails, check calls, drink coffee, eat at my desk, until it's time to go home.
Another 15 minute autopilot drive home, get changed, sit on the couch, watch TV, make dinner, eat, watch TV, go to bed. Life on autopilot!
If any of this rings a bell with you, if you see anything familiar in the routine, then, like me, you need to flick that switch and come off autopilot! I have managed to get to 53 years old, and I can only account for half that time as being lived with meaning and purpose.
Too many of my days are lived in a haze, not paying anything very much attention, losing time, wasting time, achieving nothing - living like it doesn't matter that nothing got done yesterday or the day before because I was busy drifting along as if in a dream. I'm acting like I have an infinite number of days at my disposal, so wasting half of them isn't a big deal - but you know what? I don't have an magical supply of days that'll go on forever. I need to wake up! I need to pay more attention, and I need to make better use of my time. So I'm going to rip out autopilot, and I'm getting Mindfulness installed instead.
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