Empty Nest

 A little while ago my wife and I dropped our daughter off at University for the start of her 3 year course.  Her Uni is some 300 miles away - 6 hours in the car (with rest breaks).

We unloaded her possessions from our cars and hoped to help her unpack and get settled - but she didn't want our help, or much of our company - as she had already made friends with some of the other students on her course and wanted to spend time with them.

So my wife and I felt unwanted, surplus to requirements, and a bit rejected.  We tried to hang on, see our daughter a bit more before we had to leave her there and travel home - but that just didn't seem to work.  And so we drove home after a tearful farewell - with promises to call every day.

The first thing to hit was the absence of her car on the drive.  Then seeing the few things she left behind in her now vacant room.  And every where we looked there was a reminder that she's not here anymore, and most likely will never live with us again.

Oh I'm sure she'll visit - Christmas maybe - but her life is up there now, and her degree is based around work placement at her favourite theme park and so she'll probably be working there in the holidays too.

The pain we feel is akin to grief.  A subtle form of mourning is going on, with us afraid sometimes to speak about her for fear of the tears welling up again, and the chest feeling tight with emotion.

Everyone says that it's good that she's so settled already, that she's independent and confident enough to be there on her own, that we should be proud of the daughter we raised that's capable of looking after herself.  And we know all that - but it still hurts!

It's only been a few days, and her course hasn't started yet so she's not busy with her studies - but even though she has time on her hands, we barely get any communication from her.  God knows how sparse it'll be once she gets coursework and placements to do!

I miss her like mad.  I never knew it would hurt this much.  And it feels like I'll never see her again.  But when I do - is it going to hurt like this all over again?  

UPDATE:
It's now a week on from writing the post and I have to say things are much better now.  We still miss her like crazy - but it's no longer heartbreakingly painful.  That feeling of never seeing her again has subsided too.  We know she's ok, and we know she's happy.  My wife and I have started making plans what we might fill our time with, getting out more - and we're eating the evening meals we stopped preparing because our daughter didn't like them.

Missing You

Isn't it funny how you can miss something so badly that you think your soul can break. No, not break. If it broke, you'd be dead and it would all be over - but no, there is no such mercy. No - breaking would be good. Instead it just withers, wanes, fades, shrivels - so most of the LIFE drains out of it, but it stays there - enough to keep you in some sort of mean, cruel existence.

Actually, no - it's not funny. No way can it be funny. Not even "funny" as in "odd" and "weird". Missing something, someone, so badly that you think the world should just end right there and then to put you out of your misery - even if it means billions of other people have to die - that's not funny by any definition of the word.

So - for any of you out there that are missing someone or something so bad you'd destroy the World in an instant just to get it back, I'm saying; "I understand, I empathise, I truly appreciate what you're going through."

I'm sending you a HUG coz I suspect you need one!